The Wild Side of Cade! - Laser Treatment #8

What a crazy long day for Cade's 8th laser treatment. This was his first laser treatment in the OR with anesthesia and the plastic surgeon.

I must admit that I was not looking forward to this day. I was trying to put on my brave face but deep down I was scared. The thought of being outside the OR brought up so many thoughts in my head. Thoughts of how Cade isn't "perfect" in the world's eyes. Thoughts of how I already lost one son and what if something went terribly wrong. Thoughts of the medical bills.

When I woke up this morning, however, I didn't have any of those thoughts and fears. Instead I was peacefully focused on just taking care of Cade.

It was a long day at the hospital with us arriving at 10:14 (literally) for a 10:15 appointment, which we didn't get called back for until 11. We then waited, played with toys and watched kids shows as we waited for Cade to be checked by the CSA, the nurse, the nurse practitioner, the plastic surgeon, the eye doctor and the anesthesiologist. I must say, each doctor and nurse was wonderful!



At 1 pm Cade was given "giggle juice" followed by an "apple juice chaser." And boy did that make my Cadester silly!!! We watched as he was minutes later wheeled away to the OR, and we made our way to the waiting room.




While we waited, the eye doctor came in and told us that the pressure in both of Cade's eyes was "excellent!" This is great news because the port wine stain increases the risk for glaucoma! Around 30 minutes later, the plastic surgeon came in and said the laser treatment went great. He did, however, mention that Cade did not wake up very happy, which was further confirmed when a nurse told us he woke up "wild."

When we finally got called back to see Cade, wild he was. The nurse called it "emergence delirium," and if you google it, sure enough, you will find plenty of articles about it. Thankfully it is now noted in his medical file!

As we walked into Cade's recovery room, at least three to four nurses and one doctor were trying to hold him down. He was screaming, throwing his arms and legs around and trying to pull out his IV. We could tell he wasn't quite "with it." Keith actually ended up holding him so the nurse could remove the IV.

Once the IV was out and he was snuggled with me (and his favorite blanket), he fell back to sleep (a good thing) and we rocked away about an hour of time in the rocking chair. (Don't worry they had already given him some morphine for pain relief after the procedure).

Once he woke back up, he was closer to Cade :)


The blue on his lips is from a blue Popsicle he got! :)


Within an hour after he woke up and by 4:30, we were on the road home.




And to think we get to do this all again in three months!

Cade's Upcoming Laser Treatment...

On Tuesday, November 16, Cade will go to CHOP for his eighth laser treatment on his port wine stain birthmark.

It will be the first one where he is under anesthesia. Keith and I will no longer have to hold him down while he is wrapped tightly in a white linen on the procedure table. The nurse will no longer have to cover his eyes with cloth to protect his eyes from the laser beam. He will no longer finish his treatment and look up to see us in funny-looking glasses that protect our own eyes from the laser.

Instead he will go through the OR doors and under anesthesia for a laser process that will remain the same yet with more intensity. While he is under the anesthesia, a doctor from his eye doctor's practice will also officially check the pressure in both of his eyes. This will give his eye doctor an accurate reading of his eye pressure. And maybe this will cause Cade's ongoing eye appointments to be less frequent. We now go to the eye doctor every 9 months instead of every 6 months.

Since we see Cade every day, we sometimes "forget" the progress we have made on his birthmark so I thought I would post a couple pictures to show the progress we have made. And as long as we see progress, we continue forward with the treatments!

Here is Cade when he was two days old (5/3/08).




Look at the progress we have made with seven treatments (8/21/10)!




We will be sure to update how Cade's appointment goes on the 16th of November!

Where have I been again :)

Has it really been since the beginning of September that I last posted on my blog!!!! I keep on telling myself that I will get better at blogging. That I will update more on my thoughts and life. But instead I have been busy just enjoying life.

We've spent the last (almost) couple months going to the Y and going to the homeschool co-op the boys and I are now a part of. We've spent hours each day working on school work with Kory progressing in reading, writing, learning about history and other school-type stuff. Don't worry I am keeping a list of his random silly things he says during school, such as "nomads are people who are no mad." LOL!

Cade continues to think he is 6. I really do need to get a shirt for him that says, "I am only 2". He goes in for his next laser appointment on Nov. 16th. He will actually go into the OR for that one and be put under. It is the same treatment but they will be able to do more intensity and we won't have to hold him down!

Keith is back to working after a few months off. We are very blessed that he has a very flexible schedule right now so he is able to spend a lot of time working from home. Which we all love! He is also in his fantasy football season :)

Well now it is starting to sound like a Christmas card letter. :) I just wanted to let my wonderful readers know that we haven't disappeared. We're just running here and there and everywhere.

And I promise, for real this time, I will get better about consistently blogging!

:)

Because I've watched you

This weekend I saw more of Kory’s independence. I have to tell you. It is bittersweet to watch him “grow up.” And he is only 6!!!

Over the weekend, he put away his clean clothes by himself. It’s not that he magically learned where they go. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been working with him to show him where his clothes go. This time, I showed him his two piles of folded, clean clothes and asked him to put them away. He might not have put them in such neat, orderly piles within his dresser drawers, but they were in the correct places. :)

He also said his prayers on his own. Every night I typically ask him, “Do you want to pray or do you want me to pray with you.” His normal response is “I don’t know the words for prayer.” We then pray together like a tag-team. A few words from mommy and a few words from Kory after being prompted with some questions.

His response this weekend was, “mommy, I can pray.” And he did so beautifully all by himself! I loved his prayer about thanking God for the summer and the pool and his friends and the wind along with our usual night prayer for “sweet dreams and good dreams but no bad dreams or scary dreams.” I love the simple prayers of children!

Then this morning, I asked him what he wanted for breakfast. He chose toast with peanut butter.

“I can do it, mommy, because I’ve watched you.”

And he did. He put the bread in the toaster. He put the peanut butter and nutella on the bread. He cleaned up his area too. All by himself!

But what caught me at that moment was his simple phrase of “because I’ve watched you.”

Wow! He knew how to use the toaster “because I’ve watched you.” He knew how to pray “because I’ve watched you.” I would hope he knew about putting away his clothes “because I’ve watched you.” But if you saw the piles of clean clothes in my own room you would know he learned that one from repetition in his own room. LOL!

What else is he learning from me “because I’ve watched you?” What are others learning from me “because I’ve watched you?” What am I learning from others “because I’ve watched you?”

One simple phrase from Kory has lead to many thoughts in my head.

“Because I’ve watched you.”

The Summer of Trust - Where have I been?

Where have I been this summer? I feel like my blog postings have been more haphazard as ever. I'm still right here with my active boys! And what an active summer it has been.

It has been filled with cooking camp, golf camp, tennis camp, VBS, playing with friends, trips to the zoo and visits with family. It has included swimming laps at the pool in anticipation of "mommy's swim" for the SheROX triathlon in Philadelphia - which was an amazing event!!! It also included a getaway by myself - the first in 10 years! - to cover and write about a conference for a friend.

The summer has been filled with trying to get back into running and spending more time focusing on me and my own fitness levels. It's been filled with reading books beyond an elementary level and working on editing and writing projects. It's been a very good summer with my boys!

It's also been a summer of trust. Trust that God opens the right doors at the right time. Trust that God truly has the best in mind for us. Trust that he will protect me and my family - Did I mention that I traveled by myself for the first time in 10 years! Or that I swam in a river for a triathlon where a triathlete had died only weeks before (yeah I didn't share that one with many people)!

There are still some "things" we are trusting God on so our "summer of trust" is not completely over, but I am confident - most of the time - that He will continue to provide for us and show us each step of the way. And those times I'm not so confident, I'll sit down, shed a few tears and talk it out with God. Then I come back refreshed that it will all be okay because I truly trust Him to take care of it all - He hasn't let me down yet.

Packing up Kindergarten

Last week, I shipped back Kory's Kindergarten supplies and packed up some of his "special" Kindergarten papers. You know the ones showing how he wrote his name for the first time and the first little story he read.

I so enjoyed going through Kindergarten with him this past year. Here are some of my favorite memories of Kory's Kindergarten year.

- When Kory first started to read, he jumped up, ran over to me and gave me a great big hug followed by the words "Mommy I can read!"

- His favorite historical person has to be George Washington. Everyone else in history is compared to him. Was this person alive when George Washington was alive? He looks like George Washington? Did he know George Washington?

- Kory doesn't think the pilgrims came over on the Mayflower. He instead said the "pillows" came over on the Mayflower.

- Christopher Columbus didn't discover the new world. Instead Kory says "Christopher Robin" did.

- I enjoyed watching and listening to Kory during his lessons with his actual teacher and with his classmates. Sometimes they were just over the phone. Other times they were online. And some were even with the use of web cameras. Kory was so cute when he shared his favorite veggie and favorite way to eat it during one of those web-camera online classes. "And this is the way I like to eat cucumbers." And crunch away Kory went. :)

- If you ask Kory his favorite thing he made this year was his "world" out of clay with rivers and ponds, mountains and oceans. He was so proud of that world - which has now been transformed into some sort of other clay design, but I did get a picture of it :)

- My favorite art project of his was the "shield" he created with things that make him feel safe and strong: 1. spiders because they eat bees 2. Jesus because he helps us not be scared at night 3. scissors because if something is ahead of you, you can cut through it.

- I also set aside to frame a flower painting he made. It is such a beautiful Kindergarten piece of work!

- I enjoyed the field trips we went on to the zoo, the local pumpkin patch and the bowling alley. There were the extras we added in during the year to make lessons come alive too. There is the little boy we support in Africa that Kory helped pick out after learning about Africa. There was the South American dessert we made with a friend from Brazil after learning about that country.

- I understand his dislike for princess and fairy stories after so many of his language arts stories were filled of princess this and fairy that. His favorite story from the year was Jack and the Beanstalk. If you ask him why, he will tell you it is because he liked the giant's snoring. :)

I know if I took even further time I could think of many more memories from Kindergarten, but those are the ones that really stick out in my mind.

And now in my office sits seven boxes of his 1st grade supplies. I can't wait to get into them and start our new school year at the end of August.

Six years ago (Happy Birthday Kory)

Six years ago I traded my professional life for a life as a full-time stay-at-home mom. No longer was I identified by how many years of schooling I had, what my title was, how much money I made, or what great business clothes I wore (which I really miss!).

I traded all those things to stay home full time with a sweet little boy who joined our family six years ago, Kory.

For six years, my life has been filled with diapers and potty training, macaroni and cheese, play dates, play ground negotiation tactics, baby talk translations, nap time battles and food likes and dislikes.

I have watched and learned as imagination grows, faith blossoms, and tears flow over friends moving. I’ve learned how to explore as a little boy and the importance of knowing superhero names and powers (and don't confuse Marvel and DC Comics). I’ve also been reminded that the English language makes absolutely no sense and that the instincts of little kids can speak volumes.

I’ve had conversations about what makes rain, where do babies come from, and why couldn’t the doctors fix Kory’s "first" brother, Aidan. And I can’t forget the talks about how to stay safe, how to make friends, and how we make people smile.

Thank you Kory for changing my life six years ago. I wouldn’t trade it at all. I do wish I could make those student loan payments go away though. :)

Happy Birthday Kory!

My story...My Aidan

Tonight I shared my story with the ladies at church. I was planning on working on this over the weekend to share with the blog world, but decided since it was fresh in my mind I would go ahead and share it tonight. Plus this way I can get all the tears out at once.

If you follow my blog, you often hear about Kory and Cade. My two healthy and active boys! What you may not know is that Keith and I have another son, Aidan. He has lived in heaven for the past 7 1/2 years. He only lived for 4 1/2 hours after he was born.




It was 2002. All my initial pregnancy-related blood work tests came back fine. It was when we went for the level 2 ultrasound that we found out there were major problems with our son. The brain hadn't developed properly. There were major problems with the heart and kidneys. There were problems with the feet.

We immediately went into the genetic counselors office and started talking about family histories and such. Because of the severe problems, I was also offered the option to terminate. I was actually offered it about 3 times over the course of those next few weeks.

I remember I looked at the doctor and said "This baby was created for a purpose and it is not my decision to make." I also told him about our Christian faith, which actually ended up in my medical file :) It was sad because I remember he looked right at me with the question as if Keith would have had no say in the issue.

I then had an amniocentesis done. It was so painful. And then we went home to wait for test results. Those test results showed a Trisomy 13 (Patau Syndrome), which is rare and has no cure. It happens in 1 in 10,000 lives births. By comparison, Trismoy 21 (Downs Syndrome) happens in 1 in 800 live births.

We went from planning baby showers and nurseries to deciding how far to provide care for our son, who might not even be born alive as I was told I could miscarry at any time. We decided on basic comfort care for him.

Three months later and six weeks from my due date, I developed preclampsia and had to be induced. I remember feeling God's peace so clearly. Our families rushed to get to the hospital. Keith's parents and brother who were 6 hours away made it. My brother who has with us for Christmas break made it. My parents, my sister and Keith's sister and her family didn't make it.

I don't have too many "why" questions with Aidan. But one "why" is why couldn't he have lived long enough for my parents and sister and Keith's sister's family to see him alive. Why?

Anyway - I was induced and he was born that night. We all got to hold him, love on him, pray for him, even gather in a circle and dedicate him to the Lord. After awhile, everyone left so I could get some rest. Aidan was taken back with the NICU doctor to be checked over, and Keith went back to spend some time with him in the NICU.

Shortly after Keith came back in the room, they brought us Aidan. His heart rate was dropping, and they wanted us to have as much time with him as possible. It was while he was in my arms only minutes later that I noticed he stopped breathing. My baby had gone to be with Jesus. He only lived for 4 1/2 hours.

We had a funeral and burial for him in Virginia Beach. He actually didn't make it to his own funeral because of missing his flight connection in Houston. But it worked out perfectly as the next day immediate family was able to spend time together as we buried him in a little country church cemetery.

My little boy who lives in heaven. He's my story.

I also shared what I've learned from my own story and the healing over the past few years.

"Believe in the supernatural; prepare for the natural" We believed God could heal Aidan. We knew he could. We prayed he would. But we also realized God might not heal him. We also had to be prepared for what would happen when he was born. We couldn't ignore the doctor's wisdom and knowledge. We had hard decisions to make, and the doctors were so caring and patient as we worked through all the what ifs.

While we waited and believed in the "big" miracle, we didn't overlook the smaller miracles. He was born alive. That was a miracle in itself as the doctors said I could have miscarried at any time or that he might not survived the birthing process. His face was perfect. Because of the trisomy, there could have been problems with his face - cleft lip, cleft palate, etc, etc. But his face was perfect - a wonderful face to have pictures of and remember! I'm also thankful for the visible birthmark I can remember - the 6 fingers on each hand and the 6 toes on each foot.

The people in our lives are not there by accident - even the ones we don't especially like. The doctor;s office I used had a rotation of 6 doctors. Unless you had a scheduled c-section, you were never sure who would actually deliver your baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I started praying for the doctor who would deliver our baby. When we found out the problems, it became even more so. Well wouldn't you know that the doctor who delivered Aidan was the one who we (actully Keith) liked the least. I smile at it now especially since she "happened" to be the "random" doctor on rotation when Kory and Cade were born. I don't know what impact we have had on her life but I hope to think that God used her seeing the full circle of our story to minister to her.

I also think of the different people God has placed in our lives through my pregnancy and birth and death of Aidan. There was the family who had lost their child to another trisomy. She was so wonderful to share her story with me and also listen to me talk about what was happening and where things were at. I look at the different moms God has placed in my life. The ones who I find out have had miscarriages, stillbirths, children who have died. I am amazed at how God connects us together, and I'm so thankful for that. I think of the doctors and nurses we had. Even the delivery room nurse who came back in as I was holding Aidan and crying. Her first baby was stillborn. I can't remember what she said, but her words were so beautiful and comforting to me.

God's continual emotional and spiritual healing. I look back at the past 7 1/2 years and am amazed at God's continual healing. Just when you think you have gotten through a point of mourning, it can flair back up. I think of the friends God has placed in my life as part of my healing. I have a dear friend who sat and cried with me when her son was a newborn only 3 months after Aidan's birth and death. I wanted to hold her son so badly, but I couldn't. Instead we cried together while we looked at her son. That was healing.

I think of another friend who let me hold her newborn son - the first one I held after Aidan. And again, she patiently sat and cried with me. That was healing. I think of the other moms who have listened to my story - through tears- and shared their own similar stories. That is healing. Seeing children with special needs and finding myself crying. That's healing. Sharing my story with the ladies at the church. That's healing. Having two healthy boys who run non-stop. That's healing. And sharing their brother's story with them in ways they can understand. That's healing.

I had put together a clip of photos with the song "peace" by Third Day to share with the ladies. Wouldn't you know, it wouldn't play. It didn't bother me. I just figured it wasn't supposed to be part of my presentation. Instead I think it was almost more for me to put it together. I don't have many photos of Aidan. And the ones I do have are filled with tear-filled faces of family. So I figure since it didn't play for the ladies, I'm not going to share it publicly on here either.

I closed the time of my sharing with reading a letter Keith had written as if it was from Aidan. It was read at his funeral service. I'm amazed I made it through reading it.

Here it is...

Aidan's Letter

Hi. I’m Aidan Connor, oldest child to two oldest children, Keith, my daddy, and Jessica, my mommy.

Like most oldest children, I’m independent, stubborn, confident and pretty organized. Even before I was born, I’d already planned most of my life. I was going to accept Jesus as soon as I was old enough, letter in three sports in high school, play the piano, get an academic scholarship to MIT and marry a Christian supermodel. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I was going to be 6’4” and have an IQ of 180.

Mommy and daddy found out I was coming in May. They were very surprised and happy. I went on vacation with mommy and daddy this summer to Massachusetts. We drove through New York and New Jersey. We also went to visit Vermont. It was my best summer ever!

In September, I got to spend the day with my cousin Quinton at a Day with Thomas the Tank Engine. We went with mommy, daddy, Nanny, Papaw, Bubba, Uncle James and Aunt Shelly. We had a really good time.

The three of us went to concerts too! In October we heard the Newsboys! They are mommy’s favorite group, but daddy always teases her about them. Deep down I think he likes them too. In November we also went to hear Third Day. Boy were they loud! They are my favorite though. Whenever I heard them I started to dance in mommy’s tummy.

Things were going pretty well, until Jesus asked me if I would stay in heaven. I was pretty surprised and mommy and daddy were upset. They cried a lot and asked Jesus if he would change his mind. Evidently there were a lot of people asking, so he decided to wait for a while.

I was glad because I also got the chance to meet Grandma and Grandpa Larson, Uncle Josh and Aunt Elizabeth whey they visited in October. I had heard their voice over the phone before, but it was nice to spend time with them at our house.

I got to celebrate mommy and daddy’s birthdays, Thanksgiving and even Christmas. I didn’t get to open any present, but it sounded like it was a lot of fun.

Then Jesus told me we were going to surprise mommy and daddy. Mommy had said she really wanted me to be born on a Friday and daddy had teased about needing another tax exemption. Boy did Jesus and I pull a good one on them. I was Born on the last Friday of the year. They were both really surprised and happy. I finally got to see mommy, daddy, Nanny, Papaw, Bubba and Uncle Josh.

I was waiting to see my Grandma and Grandpa Larson and Aunt Elizabeth when Jesus came by and said he really needed me to come with him. I wasn’t really happy about, but I knew mommy and daddy would want me to go if Jesus needed me. I asked Jesus about everyone I was leaving behind, but he said he’s asked his friend the Holy Ghost to go be with them and comfort them.

The nurses brought me in to see mommy and daddy one last time. I said goodbye and then Jesus took me to heaven. I couldn’t understand why Jesus was crying so much as he carried me.

Now I’m in heaven. I’m helping with this top-secret project. I can’t tell anyone about it, but you’ll see when you get here.

I miss you mommy and daddy and I can’t wait til I see you again. When you get here we’ll throw a big party.

I love you and will see you soon!

Love always,

Aidan

--

Kory's Toy Stand

I just have to share this story about a toy making kit Kory got for his birthday.

Since getting the kit, Kory told his two friends that when he grows up he wants
to be a toy maker. He also said he wants to now make toys and sell them. According to Kory, the toys will be free for family and friends; only strangers have to pay for the toys.

Yesterday, Kory asked me for a box so he could create a toy stand to sell his (yet unmade) toys. At the time I didn't have a box so I told him he would have to wait.

Today, the toy-making conversation came back up in the car. When he asked again about a box, I asked him who he was going to sell the toys to since we don't get
much traffic at the end of our court. He replied he would have to think about that.

I also asked him how much he would charge for his toys. He took some time to think about the question and responded that superheros would be $1.00 and toy trucks would be 2 cents.

He must of thought on it all a bit more because later today he saw one of his friends and told her he was not going to sell toys. His reasons: it was going to rain and he wasn't sure how he would be able to find "customers" anyway.

I had to smile at his imagination and process of the elements. It also made me smile because as a second-generation self-employed household, it was just cute to start to see the entrepreneurial spirit in Kory!

We'll see what he says tomorrow about his (yet unmade) toys to sell.

Trust... But I can't see you...

As we are patiently waiting for some things to fall into place in our lives, I've been thinking a lot again about trusting God. I then find myself thinking about a post I made in August. It's reassuring to me, and I thought I would just share it again.

----

Friday, August 21, 2009
But I can't see you...

I've been meaning to blog about this for awhile and honestly I keep on forgetting.

This happened awhile back but I think it is a good illustration of God and how he works with us.

The boys and I were on a walk one afternoon. They were in the double stroller and I was pushing from behind.

Kory got a little panicky - which I don't really understand why. Here was our conversation.

Kory: Mommy, we are going to get lost.
Me: No Kory, I know where we are going.

Kory: But Mommy, I don't know where we are going.
Me: It's okay Kory. I know the way there and back. Don't worry.

Kory: But Mommy, I can't see you.
Me: It's okay Kory. You can hear my voice, right?

Kory: Yes, but I can't see you.
Me: But I am right here and I know exactly where we are going. You'll be okay.

It hit me. Aren't we like that with God? How many times do we panic because we don't know where we are going?

How many times are we worried because we can't see God? Yet, he is always there.

Right behind us, guiding our "stroller" in the right direction. Avoiding the bumps we can't see while we are sitting in the stroller and watching things go by - like my boys do. But he is always there and always knows the right direction.

Yep - it was a good reminder to me that day awhile back. And it still comes to mind when I start to get worried about things.

Melting God's Heart

Today my boys melted my heart. Each of them made me smile with pride as well as melted my heart. As I thought back on the day, I started to think about how God sees our actions and thoughts. Do we melt his heart?

Here's what happened.

We took the boys to a Sesame Street Live production this afternoon. Both the boys enjoy Sesame Street, but Cade is especially fond of Elmo as well as Cookie Monster, Bert, Ernie. Well Cade just LOVES Sesame Street.

When the curtains opened and all the characters started to sing and dance, Cade went crazy! He was standing on his chair and started jumping and screaming. He had the biggest smile. And just kept looking back and Keith and I. It was like he was saying "wow, is this really happening?" Keith equates Cade's overall reaction to the reactions you saw of people when the Beatles first landed in the US. :) Although Cade didn't say "Thank you" directly, I could just feel his excitement. Toward the end of the show, he just sat with me and would hug me over and over again with these long, tight hugs.

As I sit here tonight and think of Cade's reaction, I think of my reaction when God surprises me. When there is the unexpected check in the mail. When there is the really good sale on those items I needed. When a space in the full parking lot opens. When he blesses me with a unexpected client. When he surprised me with a call from a friend. How do I react? Even if I don't thank him directly, am I so excited that it melts his heart because he saw how much it meant to me?

When we got home, we noticed that the strong winds from the day had blown over our garbage can and two recyclable bins. Actually, the bins had blown a little bit over our side hill. Keith and I talked about how the bins had blown over. We decided we would get them after we got settled back in the house. We all got out of the car. Kory saw two of his friends and said hi. And then while Keith and I got Cade and the rest of the stuff out of the car, Kory walked down the hill and started bringing up the bins - one at a time.

I was speechless. We hadn't asked Kory to do that. We hadn't demanded Kory do that. We didn't even suggest Kory do that. Instead, Kory saw a need, and he just took care of it. He didn't ask us if it was okay to get them. He didn't ask if he should get them. He just did it. It melted my heart.

Tonight I started thinking....How many times have I melted God's heart just because I saw a need and took care of it. Maybe it was that kind word I said to a stranger. Maybe it was the extras I gave to a friend. Maybe it was the gift card I felt prompted to pick up and send to a friend. Maybe it was just brightening someone's day with a note. Did it melt God's heart when I saw those needs and just took care of them? Did he stand back, smile, and think, "Wow. Thanks for taking care of that"?

As I process it all tonight, I hope I melt God's heart as much as my boys melt mine.

Two Years Ago....

Two years ago…

I can hardly believe that Cade joined our family two years ago on Saturday!

I have so many memories and emotions from that day and weekend.

Laughter: when I think about my mom. She had stayed with us for about 3 weeks waiting patiently for Cade to join us. When I told her I thought we should call my doctor and head to the hospital, she went into lightning fast speed. On our drive to the hospital, she asked me if she should drive 80 down the highway. No mom. Should she run through stop lights? No mom. All were legitimate questions given my track record of fast labor and delivery, but this time I was ahead of the game and knew there was time. Of course, as soon as we were about 10 minutes from the hospital, Kory who was almost 4, decided he had to go to the bathroom. My mom pulled into a fast food restaurant’s parking lot and rushed him in and out.

Relief and Excitement: when my doctor’s office said I was far enough long to send me to the hospital! And when I found out that the doctor on rotation “just happened” to be the same one who “just happened” to deliver my two other sons. I’ve always that that was so cool. She was there for the sadness of our first baby, Aidan, but was there also for the joy of our other two. I have always been so thankful that God allowed her to be there for the full cycle.

Relief: When Cade was born and thankful for yet again another short labor and delivery. I think this one went on about 4 -6 hours total again (please don’t hate me).


Frustration: When I was transferred from the delivery room into the recovery room. I ended up with a roommate who decided it would be good for her (and I) to watch (and listen) to her TV until 2 or 3 in the morning. Forget the fact that I just had a baby and was so tired! Oh and we got to listen/watch saved by the bell in the mornings on her TV too! I was also frustrated that the hospital no longer kept the baby in the nursery. This meant instead of a good night’s sleep with nurses bringing the baby to me for feedings, I had to listen to my roommate’s TV, try to sleep, and try to get the baby out of the hospital bassinet for feedings, diaper changes and snuggles. Can we say sleep deprived and ouch!

Excitement: When Kory came in the morning to meet his baby brother. He was so excited. The night before, he and grandma sat in the waiting room waiting and waiting for his baby brother to be born. When it got late, Keith told them to go on home so they could get a good night’s rest. I still can picture Kory’s excitement to see his baby brother and hold him too. I also remember Kory's excitement when Nannie (Keith's mom) offered to take him across the street for a treat. What a good big brother he has been!


“Surprise”: I was so “surprised” when my sister and my niece ended up at the hospital with my dad. Okay, I wasn’t completely surprised. My sister, my mom and my dad, let some things slip when my dad was traveling to make it out. But it sure was nice to have them there!

Wishing: Wishing I could have looked like all the other moms I had seen in pictures from the hospital. Seriously, how can they look so good after labor and delivery for hours!

Worry… I mean Trusting God: Cade was born with a port wine stain on his face. It basically means the skin and blood vessels formed close to the skin and in other ways didn’t develop as they should. In rare, rare cases, the skin’s blood supply being affected by a port wine stain can also affect the way the brain tissue developed. So when Cade was born, the doctors started to watch his face. At first, they thought it might have been bruising from delivery (his face was turned opposite of what it should have been). Then the next thing we know, one of the doctors from our pediatrician’s office came in and started telling us what could happen with his birthmark and the worse case scenarios. She, therefore, was recommending cat-scans and MRI’s. The main pediatrician at the hospital then called down to her other contacts and discussed it with them. Should he be brought in for a MRI? Should he be brought in for a Cat-scan? Was he responding fine with everything else? Interestingly, the main pediatrician at the hospital was the same one who was there with us during Aidan's birth and death. Again, it was neat to see God bring full circle another doctor involved in the short life of our first son.


Thankful: We were so thankful when the main doctor from our pediatrician’s office stepped in and said “wait. There is no need for further testing. He is responding fine to everything else. We will monitor him, but for now, no additional testing is needed.” Thank you God!


Frustration: I’m used to social workers showing up after a baby is born. I had it happen after Aidan was born and died. “Are you okay? Do you have a support team in place? Do you want to talk about this?” I got a social worker visit in the hospital after Kory was born, “Are you okay? Does this bring back anything you want to talk about? Do you have a support team in place?” And yet again I got a social worker visit. But this time it was not only to check up on how this related to my previous pregnancies and deliveries, but also related to Cade’s birthmark. “Are you okay? What are you thinking?” I wanted to scream, “Lady, if I wasn’t okay, I wouldn’t even be telling you!!!!” Instead, I politely said, “well we don’t know yet what it really is with his face so I’m not jumping to any conclusions until we know more.”


“Are you kidding me!!!!!?” (Part 1): Those were my thoughts on the lady who was in the delivery room next to me. She only spoke Spanish so she had an interpreter along with all of her paperwork. That lady screamed and yelled so loud during her labor and delivery. I was trying so hard to find a peaceful place in my mind to breathe and instead I hear her yells and cries. I have to just chuckle about it now.

“Are you kidding me!!!!?” (Part 2): Those were my thoughts as I had to sit through a lesson on how to bathe my baby, diaper my baby, and all these other things “we moms had no idea how to do.” I remember this other mom, who also had an older child, raise her hand and ask “um, do I have to be in here? I have an older child. I know how to do these things.” She had to stay. We all had to stay. And to end the lesson/class on a positive note, we all had to sit around and watch a video clip about shaken baby syndrome and then sign paperwork that could be held up in court if we were ever accused of shaken baby syndrome. Yeah… that’s a good one for moms right after birth! What are they thinking!!!!

Frustration: Cade just didn’t want anything to do with nursing or let alone sucking on a pacifier. This lead to many frustrating attempts at nursing – which were often interrupted by nurses taking him for his vital checks or me to go to that wonderful parenting class. The lactation consultant at the hospital tried to help. My mom tried to help. And he just wasn’t interested. It ended up leading us to many weeks of weight checks, supplemental formula feedings, meetings with lactation consultants and just trusting that “he’ll get it one of these days.” Now – he is always hungry!

Frustration: When you are self-employed and self-insured, it brings a whole new set of wonderful experiences to the hospital. Not only did I have social workers come because of his birth mark, I had social workers call and visit me because of my insurance. “Are you kidding me? You will get paid!” I did learn some interesting things. “Oh we just won’t include that in your paperwork” when they tried to get me to sign up for state aid, and I tried to explain how we had things set up. Seriously…Are you kidding me! I did end up learning some good negotiation techniques for lowering a hospital bill in the weeks and months to come. And yes… they got their money.


Peace: I remember this one nurse who came in to check on me during the night. She sat, and we talked for a little bit. Then she looked down at Cade and asked, "do you mind?" She rewrapped him up in his blanket and just sat and rocked him. When she had her fill of snuggles, she gently put him back, turned to me and said "thank you." I get tears now as I think of her. I wonder what she was thinking, but I'm guessing Cade touched her life somehow that night.


Relief: I was so relieved when it was time to go home. We were only in the hospital a couple days but it seemed like forever. I told Keith, “I just want to go home.” We would have gone home a day earlier but Cade was “jittery” before his circumcision, so they wanted to wait one more day before they did that. MMM… jittery… he was probably hungry because every time I went to nurse him, someone needed him or me. In all honesty, we think the doctor was concerned that his “jitteriness” was related to possible seizures of the rare disorder with the birthmark – so she was trying to look out for his well-being.

Smiles: I didn’t smile at this at the time, but looking back now I can. When we were FINALLY discharged, we were ready to go!!! The nurse said to me, “Make sure you take these extra diapers and wipes. You paid for them so take them.” Keith, in his wonderful humor, replied with “well since I paid for most of this, can I take the TV and the bed and this and this and this.” I couldn’t believe he said it! And since most of our family was there, they were edging it on even more. Talking about how they could move a pickup under the window to drop the bed and tv into. I was so embarrassed, at the time, but now looking back I can laugh at that moment.

Then we were home. Well first we stopped for a drink from 7-11. Just as we did after Kory was born. And when we got home, we were greeted by a lot of family. We had a full house for a day or two. Then they all left, and Keith went back to work.

Then it was just me. Me and my boys.

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Happy birthday Cade! Thank you for teaching me so much in the past 2 years. How a simple smile from you can brighten my day. How a simple hug from you can melt my heart. How watching you and your brother can have me frustrated one moment, laughing the next, and then crying. How watching you be so brave at the doctors’ offices breaks my heart. How hearing you sing to Jesus in the car touches my soul. How you make this family feel a step closer to being complete. Thank you Cade for being a part of my life and my family.

More from the boys...

The boys have been cracking me up the past few days.

Here are some of their funnies...

- "Kory, who sailed west in 1492. Christopher... and what was his last name". Kory's answer: "Christopher Robin"

- Kory's comments about my leggings today.... Mommy. are those lucky tights? Do they make you run faster? I guess he thinks my leggings make me a superhero.

Kory has also made me smile in some of the things he has done in school the past few days.

- Today he had an online class where they shared their favorite healthy snack. He was so cute with the cucumbers I cut up for him. Showing his classmates what the cucumber was and even how to eat it. He shared about it, smiled, and crunched away.

- Yesterday he was created his own art projects in play-doh. He created his brother Cade in play-doh. He left one area open on Cade's play-doh face. I asked him about it and his reply was that it was his birthmark. He makes me smiles when he talks about Cade's birthmark.

- Kory is making a shield for Art class. He was supposed to draw things on there that make him feel safe and strong. He has drawn a spider because they eat bees, Jesus because he helps us not be sacred at night and scissors because when something is ahead of you, you can cut through it. :)

And Cade... He cracks me up too.

- Tonight at the grocery store he had to "help" me push the cart and "help" me pick out groceries. I had to laugh when he walked right over and picked up the correct type of orange juice. :)

- Cade gets just a little bit of coffee with creamer. This morning, when I pulled out our coffee mugs, Cade started his "offee, offee, offee" chant. Oh no... I think I've created a coffee monster.

Oh how I love my boys!

Wisdom from the boys...

Today's wonderful wisdom and insight is brought to you by my boys:

From Kory Kory: Cade, when I'm old you are going to have to take care of me.

From Kory: Mommy, when I'm older will you be an old lady?

From Kory: Mommy, daddy says Cade and I have to take care of him when he is old, so who is going to take care of you?

From Cade: I know. I know. I know. (his newest phrase)

Ear Infections and The Sound of Fear

This was a rough week for Cade. On Tuesday night he started running a fever. I thought it might have been related to the flu bug that was going around that I had heard about.

I kept on waiting for him to get sick on his stomach but it didn't happen. About 24 hours later, the fever broke but he still wasn't himself. He was still grouchy, would start crying for what appeared no reason, and would just want to snuggle. I suspected an ear infection.

We made a visit to his doctors office on Thursday morning. Because of his laser treatments and eye doctor appointments, Cade has a fear of doctors offices. I can't blame him at all actually.

He was fine in the waiting room. He was fine walking down the hallway, but when we turned to go into the exam room, it started. His little baby panic attack started. The crying. The throwing his arms and legs around. He just wanted out of there.

I explained to the nurse about his ongoing laser treatments and how he really dislikes doctor's offices.

In a soothing voice, she said to me, "That is the sound of fear." And then I watched as this nurse went into calming mode. She spoke so kindly to Cade. She explained to him what she was doing - which was really just taking the information from me. She told me where the scale was and walked away so I could try to get him to stand on it.

He wouldn't, so we had to set him on the baby scale. But when we did that she explained to the other nurse - and the doctor who was standing there - why he was crying so much.

Then it was back to the exam room to wait for the doctor. We actually saw a newer doctor in the clinic. And I have to say he did wonderfully with Cade. I had gotten Cade called down in the exam room while we waited, and when the doctor came in, Cade didn't start to cry again. The doctor used such a soothing voice and gentleness with Cade.

When we left the exam room, the nurses cheered for Cade. They told him what a great job he did and how he was so brave. He got the regular sticker they give out. But then he got extras... BUBBLES! He was so excited and blew on those bubbles all the way to Starbucks - until I replaced the bubbles with his own cup of "offee" (which was really hot chocolate!)

I was so thankful for this doctors office. Where we live in the suburbs, there is an endless supply of doctors offices. Yet for almost 6 years, I have driven out of my way in a 40-minutes one-way drive to go to this doctors office.

They have always been wonderful with my boys. And seeing how they were with Cade at this appointment, made me teary-eyed. It really meant a lot the care they gave my little boy that day.

By the way.. it was an ear infection, and he is on meds for it!

Kory's latest thoughts...

Here are Kory's latest thoughts that I thought were just so cute that I had to share them...

Kory told me this afternoon that he thinks he has a "spaghetti bite".

"You know mommy, those little bugs."

"Ahhh... a mosquito bite, Kory?"

"Yes, mommy, that's what I meant. Did you have mosquito bites when you were a little girl?"

I had to chuckle. "Yes, Kory, I had plenty of mosquito bites."

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Earlier in the week, Kory and I were learning about severe weather - including droughts. This was his words of wisdom about droughts and what happens during a drought...

"A horse will die of thirst in a drought but not "hungry" because the horse will eat an apple. But after the horse goes past all the grocery stores, it will die of "hungry" because there will be no more apples for the horse."

Watching My Boys Learn and Grow

Keith and I were talking the other day about watching our boys learn things. It is so funny the different stages Kory and Cade are at.

I'm watching Cade learn where his eyes are, his ears, his head, his nose, his hair. We're still working on the toes and tongue. If you ask him where his tongue is, he grabs at his toes and says tongue. I watch him come up to one of us and say "blue's clues. Downstairs." And off we go to start a blues clues video for him.

Kory, on the other hand, is learning how to appreciate history. We went with a friend one day to a local park with monuments. "Mommy, can you read me this one?" We'd walk by a statue, "Mommy, who is this guy and what did he do?" The cutest was "Mommy, why is there a statue only for him and not all the army guys?"

As I watched him absorb the history and explore around the historical houses, I thought of my dad. He can get lost in a museum (and I think he did a couple times while we patiently waited for him). But I love seeing that grow in Kory.

Then there is Cade learning about "chocolate" and how it can be combined with milk and be very yummy. Yesterday, he walked to the fridge, opened the door, grabbed the chocolate syrup container and said "chocolate." I then asked him where his sippy cup was. His response after looking around the room. "Room."

I told him if he went up to his room and brought back his sippy cup, I would make him chocolate milk. He was off running and back in a few seconds with his sippy cup asking for "chocolate." I love watching him put words and thoughts together.

Then back to Kory. Yesterday we were working on his art project of painting sunflowers. He said to me "Mommy, when I grow up I want to paint beautiful pictures. I want to paint pictures of you and daddy when you first met and put a great big heart on it." It wasn't so much his words but the tone. It was that dreaming tone of someday I want to....

It's watching these little moments of my life that make me treasure the moments I have with my boys.

What's Next....

As I sit here, I am waiting for my husband to get home from his ongoing commute to his office in Washington DC. It has been our schedule for three days a week since January. And sometimes, like this week, those three days of commuting get stretched to four of five days in the week.

On the three days he commutes, we're up at 5. He gets up and gets ready. About 10 minutes before he leave, I help him get his coffee mixed with sugar and cream while he makes his breakfast protein shake. He is then out the door around 5:40, and I crawl back into bed.

While I am sleeping and waiting for the boys to wake me up to "officially" start our day, Keith is driving into Philadelphia to catch the train to Washington DC. Usually around 9, we check in with each other over IM to make sure he made it safely and to let him know our plans for the day.

And then we go on with our day while he works three hours away. I have tried to keep the boys busy with trips to the Y, day trips out with friends, "cool" movies from Netflix, and things like that. And me... I'm kept busy just keeping everything flowing for our day.

After Keith's day at work, and while I'm getting the boys supper and ready for bed, he is on the train back home. On a "good" commute day, he is home around 7:30. On a long day, he is home around 9:30. If we are lucky, he works from home the next day. If he has to go back to the office, he's back up at 5 the next morning.

It has been an interesting three months with this schedule. He did try to commute and stay in DC overnight, but honestly, we all slept better with him home at night. And there is just something about coming home after a day of work compared to a hotel room.

Over the past three months, I've realized how hard it has to be for single moms. They don't have a contract end date in sight like I do. They don't get a weekend break from the kids. They don't get that nice extra check after all the long hours and hard work has been done.

And now I see that contract end date even closer: 2 weeks to be exact. I have to wonder, what is next for us in this journey. When Keith took this contract in January, we knew it was "officially" only for three months. But it has been a tremendous blessing for us and a gift from God in so many ways.

And now we wait. Will he be extended? Will he end up at another contract? Will it be a local contract? Will it require more travel?

Yet I'm not worried but at peace. Yes there is only 2 more weeks to the end of the contract, but I know God will provide. He's reminded me that in little ways this week. There was the unexpected home owners insurance refund check - yes it was only $45. But unexpected. There was the bag of gently used clothes my neighbor dropped off today for my boys.

Yes God knew I needed some clothes for Kory. God knew I needed that extra little $45 (even if it was only for spending money). And God knows what is next in our crazy contract-filled life. Keith's been a contractor/small business owner since 2004, and not once has God let us down with work. And I know he will provide again.

I just wonder how and when :)

Burnout

I’m reading a book called “Mad Church Disease: Overcoming the Burnout Epidemic” by Anne Jackson.

After working at a Christian college for almost 4 years and growing up in the church, I can understand (in my own perspective) what she is writing about.

Thankfully I didn’t cross that “burnout” line in any of my experiences, but I have seen friends, who were once active in the ministry, stop going to church completely. I’ve seen families, who were once powerful in ministry, sadly fall apart; some of them even very close friends.

It is all very sad. This book is really good and easy to read. I highly recommend it to anyone who has worked in, volunteered in or even just simply grew up in the church and knows some of what “goes on behind the church doors.”

Anyway – here is the quote tonight that Anne Jackson included in her book. It was very powerful to me. And I’m thankful for the people who have – and continue – to help mold and shape me.

“The people who influence us the most are not those who detain us with their continual talk, but those who live their lives like the stars in the sky and "the lilies of the field" - simply and unaffectedly. Those are the lives that mold and shape us.

If you want to be of use to God, maintain the proper relationship with Jesus Christ by staying focused on him, and he will make use of you every minute you live - yet you will be unaware, on the conscious level of your life, that you are being used of him.”

Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest

Sentences and Swimming

Cade is starting to now put words together to form sentences. His first official sentence:

"I spill ogurt"...translation "I spilled yogurt." :)

He also loves to sing You are my Sunshine, This little light of mine, twinkle/twinkle little star. And loves to play Patty-Cake.

Kory is doing so well in his swimming lessons. He started in the fall with a "four bubble" to help him with his swimming, arm circles and floating. Usually when I drop him off for swimming, I go and jump on the treadmill. But this last week, I took the time to enroll him in his next classes as well as sit and watch him swim.

I saw him jumping in the deep end and swimming his arm circles back to the ladder without a bubble! I was so proud because up to this point in his class he was wearing a one bubble.

The best part was after his class when I went to pick him up. He said "mommy, I swam with no bubble today." I said "Yes Kory. I know. I watched you. I saw you jump. I saw you swim."

He was so excited and smiling so big. I was so glad I took the time to just sit and watch him!

Mean...

Cade has learned a new word: MEAN!

If Kory does something to Cade that Cade doesn't like, he has been walking up to me and saying "MEAN."

Also if Cade wants to snuggle with me now, he walks up, grabs my leg and starts to walk away and pull me with him.

Hello 2010

Wow! I am so behind on blogging. Our days are so full with chasing Cade around the house - we have taken down all the gates throughout the house. So he is constantly under-foot and trying to explore and find new ways to get into things :)

Kory continues in K here at home through the virtual school. I am so proud of him and how well he is doing. I really enjoy working with him. The other day, though, I left him alone for about 20 minutes at the end of his art project to walk in and find him covered up to his elbows in black paint. I still need to clean up our bathroom from the paint residue! LOL!

The boys and I also stay active at the local Y where we finally became wellness partners. I know it probably sounds crazy - if you have seen our home gym - but it has been so nice to drop the boys off at their classes. Kory has a homeschool PE class one day and swimming lessons another day. And Cade goes into the Tiny Tykes classroom. And I hit the treadmill! It is so nice to not have to worry about throwing in that extra load of laundry or making that one more phone call. When I am at the Y - it is all about me and working out.

I've scaled back my freelance work even more - this year I want to focus on getting myself back into my pre-Cade and maybe even pre-Kory shape. And I want to just enjoy my time with the boys.

Keith has taken a new contract which has expanded his business and also the work that goes with that. It is an incredible blessing that we are so thankful for.

So my goal or hope this year is to be better about blogging - keeping up about our life. That and to print all the digital pictures for the past 5 years and put them in photo albums. But one goal at a time :)