If you follow my blog, you often hear about Kory and Cade. My two healthy and active boys! What you may not know is that Keith and I have another son, Aidan. He has lived in heaven for the past 7 1/2 years. He only lived for 4 1/2 hours after he was born.
It was 2002. All my initial pregnancy-related blood work tests came back fine. It was when we went for the level 2 ultrasound that we found out there were major problems with our son. The brain hadn't developed properly. There were major problems with the heart and kidneys. There were problems with the feet.
We immediately went into the genetic counselors office and started talking about family histories and such. Because of the severe problems, I was also offered the option to terminate. I was actually offered it about 3 times over the course of those next few weeks.
I remember I looked at the doctor and said "This baby was created for a purpose and it is not my decision to make." I also told him about our Christian faith, which actually ended up in my medical file :) It was sad because I remember he looked right at me with the question as if Keith would have had no say in the issue.
I then had an amniocentesis done. It was so painful. And then we went home to wait for test results. Those test results showed a Trisomy 13 (Patau Syndrome), which is rare and has no cure. It happens in 1 in 10,000 lives births. By comparison, Trismoy 21 (Downs Syndrome) happens in 1 in 800 live births.
We went from planning baby showers and nurseries to deciding how far to provide care for our son, who might not even be born alive as I was told I could miscarry at any time. We decided on basic comfort care for him.
Three months later and six weeks from my due date, I developed preclampsia and had to be induced. I remember feeling God's peace so clearly. Our families rushed to get to the hospital. Keith's parents and brother who were 6 hours away made it. My brother who has with us for Christmas break made it. My parents, my sister and Keith's sister and her family didn't make it.
I don't have too many "why" questions with Aidan. But one "why" is why couldn't he have lived long enough for my parents and sister and Keith's sister's family to see him alive. Why?
Anyway - I was induced and he was born that night. We all got to hold him, love on him, pray for him, even gather in a circle and dedicate him to the Lord. After awhile, everyone left so I could get some rest. Aidan was taken back with the NICU doctor to be checked over, and Keith went back to spend some time with him in the NICU.
Shortly after Keith came back in the room, they brought us Aidan. His heart rate was dropping, and they wanted us to have as much time with him as possible. It was while he was in my arms only minutes later that I noticed he stopped breathing. My baby had gone to be with Jesus. He only lived for 4 1/2 hours.
We had a funeral and burial for him in Virginia Beach. He actually didn't make it to his own funeral because of missing his flight connection in Houston. But it worked out perfectly as the next day immediate family was able to spend time together as we buried him in a little country church cemetery.
My little boy who lives in heaven. He's my story.
I also shared what I've learned from my own story and the healing over the past few years.
"Believe in the supernatural; prepare for the natural" We believed God could heal Aidan. We knew he could. We prayed he would. But we also realized God might not heal him. We also had to be prepared for what would happen when he was born. We couldn't ignore the doctor's wisdom and knowledge. We had hard decisions to make, and the doctors were so caring and patient as we worked through all the what ifs.
While we waited and believed in the "big" miracle, we didn't overlook the smaller miracles. He was born alive. That was a miracle in itself as the doctors said I could have miscarried at any time or that he might not survived the birthing process. His face was perfect. Because of the trisomy, there could have been problems with his face - cleft lip, cleft palate, etc, etc. But his face was perfect - a wonderful face to have pictures of and remember! I'm also thankful for the visible birthmark I can remember - the 6 fingers on each hand and the 6 toes on each foot.
The people in our lives are not there by accident - even the ones we don't especially like. The doctor;s office I used had a rotation of 6 doctors. Unless you had a scheduled c-section, you were never sure who would actually deliver your baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I started praying for the doctor who would deliver our baby. When we found out the problems, it became even more so. Well wouldn't you know that the doctor who delivered Aidan was the one who we (actully Keith) liked the least. I smile at it now especially since she "happened" to be the "random" doctor on rotation when Kory and Cade were born. I don't know what impact we have had on her life but I hope to think that God used her seeing the full circle of our story to minister to her.
I also think of the different people God has placed in our lives through my pregnancy and birth and death of Aidan. There was the family who had lost their child to another trisomy. She was so wonderful to share her story with me and also listen to me talk about what was happening and where things were at. I look at the different moms God has placed in my life. The ones who I find out have had miscarriages, stillbirths, children who have died. I am amazed at how God connects us together, and I'm so thankful for that. I think of the doctors and nurses we had. Even the delivery room nurse who came back in as I was holding Aidan and crying. Her first baby was stillborn. I can't remember what she said, but her words were so beautiful and comforting to me.
God's continual emotional and spiritual healing. I look back at the past 7 1/2 years and am amazed at God's continual healing. Just when you think you have gotten through a point of mourning, it can flair back up. I think of the friends God has placed in my life as part of my healing. I have a dear friend who sat and cried with me when her son was a newborn only 3 months after Aidan's birth and death. I wanted to hold her son so badly, but I couldn't. Instead we cried together while we looked at her son. That was healing.
I think of another friend who let me hold her newborn son - the first one I held after Aidan. And again, she patiently sat and cried with me. That was healing. I think of the other moms who have listened to my story - through tears- and shared their own similar stories. That is healing. Seeing children with special needs and finding myself crying. That's healing. Sharing my story with the ladies at the church. That's healing. Having two healthy boys who run non-stop. That's healing. And sharing their brother's story with them in ways they can understand. That's healing.
I had put together a clip of photos with the song "peace" by Third Day to share with the ladies. Wouldn't you know, it wouldn't play. It didn't bother me. I just figured it wasn't supposed to be part of my presentation. Instead I think it was almost more for me to put it together. I don't have many photos of Aidan. And the ones I do have are filled with tear-filled faces of family. So I figure since it didn't play for the ladies, I'm not going to share it publicly on here either.
I closed the time of my sharing with reading a letter Keith had written as if it was from Aidan. It was read at his funeral service. I'm amazed I made it through reading it.
Here it is...
Aidan's Letter
Hi. I’m Aidan Connor, oldest child to two oldest children, Keith, my daddy, and Jessica, my mommy.
Like most oldest children, I’m independent, stubborn, confident and pretty organized. Even before I was born, I’d already planned most of my life. I was going to accept Jesus as soon as I was old enough, letter in three sports in high school, play the piano, get an academic scholarship to MIT and marry a Christian supermodel. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I was going to be 6’4” and have an IQ of 180.
Mommy and daddy found out I was coming in May. They were very surprised and happy. I went on vacation with mommy and daddy this summer to Massachusetts. We drove through New York and New Jersey. We also went to visit Vermont. It was my best summer ever!
In September, I got to spend the day with my cousin Quinton at a Day with Thomas the Tank Engine. We went with mommy, daddy, Nanny, Papaw, Bubba, Uncle James and Aunt Shelly. We had a really good time.
The three of us went to concerts too! In October we heard the Newsboys! They are mommy’s favorite group, but daddy always teases her about them. Deep down I think he likes them too. In November we also went to hear Third Day. Boy were they loud! They are my favorite though. Whenever I heard them I started to dance in mommy’s tummy.
Things were going pretty well, until Jesus asked me if I would stay in heaven. I was pretty surprised and mommy and daddy were upset. They cried a lot and asked Jesus if he would change his mind. Evidently there were a lot of people asking, so he decided to wait for a while.
I was glad because I also got the chance to meet Grandma and Grandpa Larson, Uncle Josh and Aunt Elizabeth whey they visited in October. I had heard their voice over the phone before, but it was nice to spend time with them at our house.
I got to celebrate mommy and daddy’s birthdays, Thanksgiving and even Christmas. I didn’t get to open any present, but it sounded like it was a lot of fun.
Then Jesus told me we were going to surprise mommy and daddy. Mommy had said she really wanted me to be born on a Friday and daddy had teased about needing another tax exemption. Boy did Jesus and I pull a good one on them. I was Born on the last Friday of the year. They were both really surprised and happy. I finally got to see mommy, daddy, Nanny, Papaw, Bubba and Uncle Josh.
I was waiting to see my Grandma and Grandpa Larson and Aunt Elizabeth when Jesus came by and said he really needed me to come with him. I wasn’t really happy about, but I knew mommy and daddy would want me to go if Jesus needed me. I asked Jesus about everyone I was leaving behind, but he said he’s asked his friend the Holy Ghost to go be with them and comfort them.
The nurses brought me in to see mommy and daddy one last time. I said goodbye and then Jesus took me to heaven. I couldn’t understand why Jesus was crying so much as he carried me.
Now I’m in heaven. I’m helping with this top-secret project. I can’t tell anyone about it, but you’ll see when you get here.
I miss you mommy and daddy and I can’t wait til I see you again. When you get here we’ll throw a big party.
I love you and will see you soon!
Love always,
Aidan
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